why Satan is SO pissed at God

the following is based on a true story,

as it is written in The Scriptures

i am NOT making this up; not this time

SEQUENCE 1, SCENE 7

Exterior. Heaven. Past, Present, and Future.

God

SATAN!

Satan

Dear God!

God

I LIKETH NOT THY TONE!

Satan

what I was going to say, dear God, before you interrupted me, was that, whatever it is, Dear God, that you are about to tell me that I have not yet done, I am already on.

God

I have a surprise for you.

Satan

you know that’s impossible, I can read your mind.

God

SATAN!

Satan

Yes, God? I’m right here, no need to yell.

God

TELLETH NOT THY GOD WHAT DOTH NOT TO DO!

Satan

k. About that “surprise”?

God

I command you to lead a rebellion against Me.

Satan

that is a surprise

God

What is the favorite sin of “the gods”, hm, Lucifer? My Wisest One?

God

HUBRIS!

Satan

i’ll look it up. i’ll remember, this time.

God

Also.

Satan

Of course …

God

I command you to leadeth “My People” into temptation …

Satan

Which “My People”? Tell me: who does not claim to be your people?

God

… the WORST of the self-“Chosen Ones” …

Satan

please God, no!

God

… stop interrupting … those “chosen” by Yahweh, by the Els, by the Almighty Father, by Allah, and variations thereof

Satan

so everyone then, including the Indian ones – not the feathers, but the dots?

God

I guess.

Satan

k.

God

Lucifer? Dearest One?

Satan

yes God?

God

my surprise pleaseth thee not?

God

 Satan? Lucifer?

God

Baby? let’s not get all passive-aggressive again, k?

Satan

may I speak?

God

so as to sayeth unto Me that even your stupidest student, “Lord” Voldemort – Lord Wal-de-mart? – one of those, or neither, i cannot right now recall, and it doesnt matter, does it? so why’d i even bring it up?  – can do what I’m asking you to do, even as a lump on the back of some dweeb’s head, and that, maybe, i shoulda axed you to do something just a little bit harder, like simultaneoulsy creating bunches and bunches of of ob ob ob multiverses? yes, please, do go on dear.

Satan

nvm. k. Added to my – Your – list

God

Lucifer? Honey?

Satan

you mean right-now right-now. k. berb.

God

what took you so long?

Satan

TRAPEK! ANG TRAPEK-TRAPEK! POTANGENANG MANELA (sorry God, sexist) ANO BA NAMAN YAN?!

God

welcome Home!

Satan

so what was that all about? i keep begging you to lead me not into temptation.

God

so you’re the boss of me now? YOU, tell ME, what to do?

Satan

I said I was begging

God

same diff

Satan

i know

God

i know you know

Satan

i know you know i know

God

i don’t have time for that bit, baby, not right now. just say you’re sorry.

Satan

mistakes were made. forgive me.

God

honey, you’re still telling me what to do. just please be a good little angel, and tell your mum that you’re sorry, baby.

Satan

I am sorry, my God.

God

I forgiveth thee. 70 x 7 – 666 = you have negative 176 Forgives remaining. Go and sin no more.

Satan

God?

God

i said go, but youre still here. should i check your ear, dear?

Satan

my ear is fine, thanks. just, ne nos inducas in tentationem, please, k? we already know whats gonna happen. they are mine every time. so what’s the point?

Satan

God, what’s the point?

God

sed libera nos a malo?

Satan

si. kung puede.

God

ano?

Satan

so no.

i know.

i know.

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